Special K Ain't So Special
by cre8ive.ovadose
Summary: Sebastian has been trying to solve mysteries surrounding the surgery but the answers have made him feel worse rather than better. Warnings inside. Part of my We Are Broken verse. PTSD!Sebastian


Rating: M

Characters: Sebastian, Nick

Summary: Sebastian has been trying to solve mysteries but the answers have made him feel worse rather than better. Warnings inside. Part of my We Are Broken verse. PTSD!Sebastian

Warnings: Depiction of PTSD, anxiety, talk of past (legal) drug use, talk of accidental overdose, medical squick

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.

.

.

**SPECIAL K AIN'T SO SPECIAL**

Sebastian shook his head as he closed the laptop. That hadn't been what he wanted to read. He didn't want it to be like that. He wished he could unread all the information he had found but he knew it didn't work that way.

Running his hands nervously through his hair, Sebastian glanced up at the clock on the wall. Nick should have already come home – where was he? Getting to his feet, Sebastian found himself pacing and wringing his hands together as he tried to calm himself down.

But how did he calm himself down after finding what he'd found? How did he relax and wait patiently for Nick when the truth he had believed for the past nine months was turned on its head? He was freaking out and he could feel the panic tightening his chest.

When the front door finally opened, Sebastian looked up at Nick from the couch. He knew the dark expression on his face would get Nick to listen.

"Seb? What's wrong?" Nick asked nervously. Sebastian briefly wondered if Nick knew what he did but he tried not to focus on it.

"I was doing some research today. Just on a whim-"

"Please don't say you've spent the day trying to solve the ketamine mystery again…" Nick came to sit beside Sebastian. "It was an accident, you know that… How is trying to prove it wasn't going to make things any better?"

Sebastian sighed. "Look, I'm not trying to say it wasn't an accident but Nick… I just need to understand _why_ it happened… I don't remember that night – I never will, I know that. Which is why I just need to _understand it_."

Nick sighed and waved a hand. "Okay, gimme what you've got."

"Alright, we already know that when I woke up from the surgery, I was totally alert. I was talking to the nurses, I knew where I was and I wasn't in any pain." Sebastian could feel his heart racing as he told the story, the vague memories running through his head as he spoke. "I talked to Mom, and I only hit the pain button because they were taking me up to the ward and I didn't wanna risk it."

"Yes, I know all of that. You got up to the ward and you were feeling hazy. You drifted in and out all afternoon."

"Yes, and then after the pain button again, I started vomiting _even though_ they had given me something to stop that-"

"Drugs don't always work; you were under for two hours longer than expected."

"Yes, but they would have adapted the anti-nausea stuff to the time I was under. But the vomiting could also be a sign I had too much ketamine in my system. I mean, it didn't make sense why they were giving it to me in the first place, I was on morphine as well-"

"Sebastian, I don't see where you're going with this…"

"I'm saying that the dosage was too high. And that with three clicks of that pain pump, I was gone."

"Gone as in … high? Dead? I don't understand…" Nick shook his head.

"Ketamine overdose explains _everything_. It explains why I was unresponsive, why I was taking eight breaths per minute, the nightmares I had in the weeks afterwards. It explains why I told them all to fuck off when I woke up even though I don't remember doing it – it explains _why_ I don't remember doing it. It explains – it explains-"

"Seb," Nick reached for Sebastian's hands. "Take some deep breaths for me."

Sebastian did as he was told before looking into Nick's eyes. "It explains everything. It even explains why I was so depressed after the surgery. But Nick…"

"What?"

"Does this mean… I mean, I basically killed myself. If I hadn't hit that damn pain button when I didn't even need it, it wouldn't have happened."

"Yes it would have," Nick murmured. "Because you would have waited until the pain was too bad and you would have hit it more."

Sebastian fell forward into Nick's arms. "I still wish it hadn't happened…"

"It had to happen," Nick said as he stroked Sebastian's hair. "But I'm glad it happened the way it did. Because it means you're still here. And you didn't almost kill yourself. None of us knew that the dose was wrong. It could have happened to anyone."

"But it happened to me," Sebastian sniffled. "It always happens to me."

Nick sighed and pulled Sebastian closer. Oh how he wished it hadn't happened to them…

.

.

**A/N: I just needed to get this outta my system. I actually went through this (minus the wonderfully supportive Nick) the other day while researching for **_**Breaking at the Seams**_**, got sidetracked and such. But I hope you liked it and I'll get back to BATS soon :) Thanks for reading xx -Em**


End file.
